A Tale of Two Dates (in one)

By Miss Fortunate

It was the best of dates. It was the worst of dates . . .

I had been trying my hand at a new free online singles site (the cheap alternative to match.com if you will) when I reeled in a winner!! His profile consisted of semi-professional photos of himself (as opposed to the ever popular topless cell phone snap shot in the bathroom mirror that seems to be the rage with most single men on these sights) where it seemed apparent that he had both an attractive figure as well as good taste in clothing. His profile opened with a quote from scripture- “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”- 1 Corinthians 13:11

Finally- a MAN!!!!

We spoke on the phone and discovered much in common, including taste in music and a strange sense of humor. It almost seemed too perfect that this man would be a part owner of a Christian film company and was interested in taking swing dance lessons. After a lengthy and most enjoyable conversation on the phone, he asked me out. Without hesitation, I agreed.

He followed up with a most amazing email, which I never read. (Strike one against me- I guess). When we connected via phone he summed up his witty and most thoughtful email with the following options for our first date:

1) Gran Placa de la Carne de sex-appeal - a four meat combo plate of baby back pork ribs, beef back ribs, brisket and tri-tip from Bad to the Bone in San Juan Capistrano ( HYPERLINK "http://www.badtothebone-bbq.com/"www.badtothebone-bbq.com ) and if after watching each other be complete slobs eating BBQ on a first meeting/date (which one is it?;-) we still want more time together we can cross over the 5 and walk around the mission and/or the galleries/shops outside the mission and if the date is going so well we just don’t want it to end we then jump on the Pacific Liner and head down to San Diego on the midnight train

2) Mini-Ball Wagers under Ordered Array of a Wave - Cheesecake Factory at the Spectrum, some opportunities to stop in shops and get to know each other’s true fashion sense as we walk down to D&B for non-competitive wagering on ability to shoot little baskets with additional playing of assorted games and then finally, based on how star-y our eyes are we can end it all with a friendly handshake or romantic kiss on top of the Ferris Wheel

3) Art, Sand, Pizza, and 7 Letter Words – We get a big Chicago Pizza Pie at BJs walk coast highway, eat on the lawn/beach as we try to get 50 bonus points that goes with creating 7 letter words on my travel Scrabble game set, afterward we walk to Rocky Mountain for chocolate and then walk up and down the street to check out the art in the shops (both the picture, sculpture and clothing variety)

4) Keep it Short and So Meaty - Shik Do Rak Korean BBQ on Jeffrey just off the 5 in Irvine

5) Keep it Simple – Cheesecake Factory at the Spectrum

Not only did this man take incredible notes during our conversation (yes, I told him of my love for music, board games, and meat- is that so wrong?) it is as if he read my heart’s mind!! Every one of these dates was a dream come true for me- the perfect romance!! (And he was witty about it too!!!!) I have to admit, it was a little overwhelming for a first meeting. So as to ease up on the pressure, I opted for pizza by the sea. We were to meet Sunday after church.

Let me preface that, Saturday I had a date with someone else I met online, Friday I had started one of the most painful and daunting of all monthly curses (which kept me from sleeping, and made my whole body ache), and on Sundays I attend a charismatic church that has no concept of time.

When Sunday morning came, I took Motrin and set my alarm, but alas, I did not hear the thing go off as Worship was too loud. I raced out of church and began driving towards Laguna with my hands fishing in my purse for my cell phone. After driving for quite a ways past my humble abode, I realized exactly where my cell-phone was- by my bed, plugged into its charger. I didn’t have much of a choice. I could try and show up 5-10 minutes late without a cell phone and hope that nothing would detain me further, that he would not think I was ditching him and take off, and that I would not need it in order to find him if he did happen to switch locations or time himself; OR, I could play it safe, head home, call him, apologize profusely, and let him know why I was now going to be closer to twenty minutes late. I opted for the safer second choice (Strike two against me- I am NEVER late for a first date, and I can’t stand it when people are- it says so much about a person and what they think of others). Luckily- he was forgiving. Laguna, however, was not.

I found myself on a one-way road behind what I thought to be a hearse for what seemed like eternity before I began my search for a parking spot- in Laguna- on a Sunday. I think I would have had better luck in finding the Arch of the Covenant. After driving circles around Laguna and anxiously waiting for a couple to finish changing their child’s diaper, I parked, paid the meter, and sprinted for the rendezvous point. I was now officially 30 minutes late for my first date with Mr. Amazing.

Oh- and the Motrin was wearing off.

We finally met up and again I apologized. He told me he enjoyed walking around shopping while waiting for me and not to worry (a man who loves to shop- really- could he be any more perfect). We ordered pizza and walked and talked. He spoke of his BC days and how he had previously pursued wealth-with success, but was now currently using his skills and talents to serve God and bless others. He also spoke his beloved dog, family, religion, politics, humor, etc. It seemed to be going really well- though it was hard for me to tell as I was distracted by my aching body, nerves (which I usually never suffer from), and the thought that I may be leaking.

He suggested chocolate while I mentioned my concern about meters. He looked at the time and said that his was actually close to expiring-

“Has it been that long?”

“Well, some of us got here before others.”

“Sorry”

He purchased me sugar-free chocolate and then began walking me to my car, always making sure to walk on the side of the sidewalk facing the street as he was raised to be a true gentlemen (and I thought they were extinct). After wondering for quite some time, I was completely confused as to where we were and more importantly, where my car was in relation to where we were. I knew the name of the street, but after strolling it for some time, had yet to see my car. Great! Strike three- I am a total and complete ditz. I suggested that we just walk to his car as his meter was about to expire and I didn’t want to be responsible for that too. On our way back- miracle of miracles- “Hey- there is my car!!! I knew it was on this street!! And there it is! . . . and it is still running . . . why is it still running?”

The answer----- because I left my keys in the ignition, of course!

Strike 400,000!! I didn’t just lock my keys in the car; I actually locked my keys in the car with it still running . . . for three hours! I used up half a tank of gas and went nowhere!!! A feat I had yet to accomplish in life. Oh, and for salt in the wound- I actually got a $40 ticket (because it is illegal to leave your car running in a parking lot)!!!

I wanted to die.

I tried to just end things then and there and say goodbye, but being a gentlemen (or gluten for punishment) he said he would get his car and return to see if he could help me out. He rolled up with a nice shiny new car, paid for the meter (again), and parked next to my old, scratched up, still running vehicle. Oh- just shoot me already.

I had to play this just right. Though I was ready to cry, if I did- how would that look? Yet, if I was to cool and calm about it, he may get the impression that this kind of thing happens to me all the time (regardless of my swearing- I have NEVER done this before)! It was a tight rope- I tried to play it down the middle and crack jokes between my admitted embarrassment.

AAA finally arrived and he bid me adu as he had a previous engagement to get too (he was picking up a friend, who had a rare and debilitating disease, from the airport because he found someone who was trying a new experimental treatment that may be the answer to his long sought after prayer- because he is that awesome).

The AAA guy was having a hard time picking the lock when it finally dawned on him to just push the button to roll down the windows so that he could reach inside and unlock the door. “It was a good thing you left your engine running- otherwise, I never would have been able to unlock your door.”

Yeah. Half a tank of gas, a forty dollar ticket, and completely destroying a first date by making a total ass out of myself in front of Mr. Right, and it was a “good thing I left my engine running”- right. Good. Yeah.

I called up my date to let him know that I was safe and sound and that (again) I was so sorry and (again) I have never done this before. He said that if the AAA guy rolled up and said “Hey Chels!” he might have had his doubts, but he felt it best to believe me. Some more witty banter ensued before I thanked him and let him go. His was very kind and said he would call me again- my attitude was one of “yeah right, sure.”, but he assured me otherwise.

I finally read the amazing email he wrote when I got home and replied with the same humor, apology, and gratefulness as expressed earlier.

I never heard from him again.

Don’t cry for me Argentina (unless it is because you are laughing so hard). It was obvious that this love affair was never meant to be. As my roommate expressed- “The Universe was conspiring against you!” Even my mom thought of it as a sign from God, as I have “never done that before”. Personally, I think of the whole experience as one of the funniest and greatest stories ever to be put in a Christmas letter…. But maybe that is just me.

The Holidays

By Miss Adventure

So, I've been meaning to get on here and write something profound for a while, and it hasn't happened. Probably because I don't have much profound to write. Reality is that I've been too busy getting ready for the holidays. Lots of fun parties and lots of work and preparing for a big trip. This holiday I am spending with myself in a foreign country trying to learn a foreign language. I have three hours until my pick-up time to go to my international flight and I am still not completely packed. So, this will be quite short. Let me just point out that while there are many downsides to being single around the holidays, there are also upsides. One upside is that you can leave for the two weeks surrounding Christmas and New Years and go to a tropical paradise and make many people jealous of your ability to be footloose and fancy-free. Yes, it is nice.

When I return, I will be habla-ing Espanol (for those of you who don't understand MY Spanglish, I said I will be speaking Spanish); well, at least a feeble attempt to speak more Spanish than I currently can. I promise to try to post more in the New Year. Until then, I have recruited another friend to share on this blog and let me tell you, she has a GREAT story that will definitely have you rolling in laughter. See single ladies - we all have our good and our bad days. We have to make sure we can laugh at ourselves and accept that while life is not always what we want, it certainly can be exciting! Our perspectives help us to adjust our attitudes so that life is good (and we are good to be around).

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years!

When You Wish Upon a Star

By Miss Adventure

"When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are! Anything your heart desires, will come to you."

When we were young this song brought hope in the dreams of little girls. It all seemed so simple back then, as a little child. Life had a path and it was so clear and easy. No thoughts given to how to FIND Prince Charming - he was going to come to us! He would come riding on his white horse saving us from some lurking evil. It would be easy to know who he was - we would immediately fall in love with each other. No questioning - the only things that came between were wicked stepmothers or dragons or evil characters of some sort. They were all fictional, of course, so that meant love would be easy to find and easy to keep. As we get older, we begin to realize that prince on the white horse may be fictional too. As we become adults, we realize he IS fictional - love is not that easy, love is not that clear, and there is no perfect man out there.

What brought this thought? Tonight - Friday night - as I was coming out of Target, I saw an AMAZINGLY beautiful shooting star. It wasn't one of those blink and you'll miss it kind - it was one of those that slowly drops to the earth so closely you think you can reach out and touch it. I saw it and began to look away when it registered this bright streaming light was out of the ordinary - it was a shooting star! I looked back and watched in awe for several seconds as it burned brighter and brighter as it dropped toward the parking lot and then finally burned out.

The shooting star reminded me that I needed to make a wish; not that I really believe in that but the child inside of me likes to make that wish anyway (realizing it's really more of a prayer than anything else). So, my thoughts went to an earlier conversation with my sister-in-law. She began our phone conversation saying she had found me a husband. I bit and listened to her tell me about this man she had found and he does sound interesting. So, instead of the man finding me, I will let my sister-in-law try to bring the man to me. And, as is often the case, it is a long shot that it will even work out. The evil characters to keep us apart are realistic things such as distance, time, age, attraction. Still, there was a bright shooting star tonight and it is nice sometimes to hope like a child once more.

Hey there, lonely girl

By Miss Interpretation

Every once in a while my boss will throw out statements to me such as “Go on…get outta here! Go on a date or something.” or “You’re dressed up. Where are you going?” Because my boss is a kind hearted man I know his statements are completely well intentioned. However, in a fleeting moment it does make me wonder…does he think I am bored, lonely or have no social life? And question, why can’t a girl dress up just to celebrate her femininity? Can I stay home on a Friday night securely with absolutely no plans? YES!

Well, ladies I am happy that my life is anything but boring, lonely or lacking social activities. In fact, it’s absolutely rich and full. I am grateful for the life God has given me; filled with loving relationships with my church, friends and family. It is full of cherished and wondrous travel experiences. It is full of moments of utter hilarity and adventure with friends. It is full of times of being stretched out of my comfort zone. I am so appreciative of all these times. I am indebted to all the amazing people God has placed in my path that make life on earth one big playground!

What Goes?

By Miss Adventure

I've been away from this blog now for over a month. I haven't been on some grand adventure (or misadventure as my name would lead you to believe), I have simply been to busy to be creative and thoughtful. It is the unfortunate nature of the area for those of us living in Southern California (or so I've been told). We fill our plates so full we don't have time to do what needs to be done. I have that problem. Although, it will be lessened some this month because I finished one of my classes last week that I have been taking. Working a full-time job, being a student working on another credential and masters, doing fieldwork for that credential, keeping up with my other ministry obligations, AND trying to maintain a healthy spiritual, family, and social life can be trying. Amen?

So, if something has to go, what should it be? Often I am made to feel that the first thing to go should be the social life. I would argue that as a single person though, a social life is extremely important. I have heard people talk about how selfish single people can be, they should be doing more, etc. The expectations often seem to be that if you are single, you should be the one to work more, volunteer more, etc. In fact, I've seen many friends that will take up the slack because they want their co-workers to be able to be with their families. Not that there is anything wrong with this and not that singles should not make sure they are pulling their weight in these areas. But really, should I be penalized or treated differently because I have not been blessed with a spouse or children?

It dawned on me one day when I heard someone talking about single people and how selfish they think they are, that there is a valid reason we as singles need to keep a strong social life and that is because often our friends become our family when our family is too busy with their own families. I know my family would be there for me if I really needed them, and I know they care about me, but let's face it - their obligation is to their spouses and their children first. That is as it should be. Also, we don't always live in close proximity to our families.

There are things that just seem to be a little harder when you are single (now, this is not to say our lives are harder than those not single - it's not a contest of who has the harder life. There are just different difficulties with each). I realized this when I was thinking about how hard it is to take my car in to get it serviced. When I lived with my parents, it seemed this was trivial - someone in the family home would go with the person and drive the other car. If a car was needed - usually there was more than one person with a car that could switch it out. If I want to take my car in it all gets a little more complicated or expensive if I have to rent a car. Of course, I think being a teacher makes this a little harder too because work hours are not flexible. Sure, they have a shuttle to take me to work, but it would get me there 10 minutes late - not a good option for a teacher. All this to say that I am especially grateful that I have a very positive relationship with my non-relative roommate/friend who was willing to help me out or switch cars. Of course, I also have wonderful parents who are willing to go out of their way to help me in this situation too - simply put, I am blessed to have such a helpful family. Not all singles are that blessed to have such positive familial relationships. Thus, friends become even more important.

Honestly, too, if I want to get married, I must be meeting people - hence a healthy social life. I have certainly discovered it's true that it seems to be harder the older you get to meet someone as well. Of course, a good way to meet someone - friendly or romantically - is by doing something you enjoy - volunteering, etc. So, it is good for single people to be out there volunteering and helping out when help is needed. Still, I think for myself, these are all reasons that I do guard my social time.

Besides, the Bible is very careful about saying how important relationships are to build and maintain. My pastor continually reminds us of this passage in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10:

⁹Two are better than one, because they have a good [more satisfying] reward for their labor;

¹⁰For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!

Of course, he frequently uses this in reference to joining a small group, with which I completely agree. That's part of the reason why my time with my small group - whether it is for spiritual reasons or social reasons - is so important. They become family too.

So, in the end, how do I manage it all? I really don't know. Something does have to be cut out eventually, but that must be an individual choice about which you pray - not something you are guilted into (or out of), not what others think, but what you believe is best for your life goals and the direction in which you believe the Lord is leading.

Playing Games

By Miss Adventure

I have to say that when it comes to dating, life can be confusing. There is so much information and advice out there - plenty that is unsolicited too! Everyone has their own philosophy and they believe it is the right philosophy. Think about how many books are out there on this subject! If you don't do it this way, then you won't get a date...or he won't call you back...or you'll scare him off. Make sure you play hard to get so he'll be interested and you don't look desperate. Always let the guy approach you because that's the way it's meant to be, but then you hear how guys like girls that are confident and knows what she wants. Also, I've had discussions with guys that say how hard it is to ask a girl out, guys have insecurities too, don't be too hard on them, etc.

So, I am doing the internet dating thing because as we discussed earlier, where else do you find men? Since the internet seems to be just about the only place I get dates, I have stuck to that. This is the second time now, though, where a guy has asked if we could get together on that day - he has not given me much notice. Both have prefaced it with they know it's last minute, etc. Now, most of the advice I have heard is to say no, otherwise you'll look too easy or desperate. But, let's face it, most of us who live in the OC have busy lives. For me, a lot of times when I've tried to schedule dates with guys it can be hard to find a good day that works with both of our schedules. So, if I happen to be available for a last minute meeting, I feel like the only reason I'm saying no is because of other people's advice on the "rules". I feel like I'm lying and playing a game - a game of manipulation. I am not a manipulative person, I like to play by my own rules because it's what makes sense to me and is true to myself. Part of that is I can be fairly spontaneous. I'm more often a last minute person in making plans.

This brings me to question, how much do I stay true to who I am and expect a guy to accept me that way (and if he doesn't, believe that he is not the right person for me)? Or, how much do I play by the "rules" so that I can bait and hook a guy so he can then get to know the real me? Now, I would never think it's right to be totally insincere or untrue to yourself, but some of this is like going to an interview. You have to be aware of first impressions and how they affect people.

All this leads me to one conclusion...dating can be awfully confusing!

You Can't Make This Kind of Thing Up

By Miss Demeanor

I told Miss Adventure that since my last two posts have talked about some of the challenges of singlehood, I’d make sure my next post was about the joys of singlehood. There are many, to be sure. In fact, one of my closest friends is really struggling in her marriage, and I truthfully told her that having been on both sides (adult married and adult single) without kids, I have no doubt that being single is easier. It’s not easy, nor is it perfect, but it is easier in most ways.

Anyway, in another post I’ll elaborate on the many joys of singlehood, because this is just too great to keep under wraps :) I hope that it makes you laugh, because it made me laugh.

I was over at my best girl’s house and she was showing me some of her eHarmony matches. One of her eHarmony date stories brought to mind a similar story that I had when I tried eHarmony for 6 months several years ago, so I committed to recalling the details from 3+ years ago. Luckily, my email provides unlimited storage, so I really can find nearly anything. When I resurrected this email, I had to share it. This is the text (name changed to protect the guilty) of the email I sent to a girlfriend right after this event occurred in early 2006:

Okay, lest you think I was exaggerating about fanny pack / sucrose boy.... He used to have a profile called "Adam" (his name) and it's still in my 'closed' file on eHarmony. Here is the picture that was posted there. As I have shared with you, I didn't think he was fine, but I felt like he was remotely attractive based on his picture (nice eyes, pretty smile, etc.).

Of course, as you well know, he didn't look anything like that when I met him for dinner. Next, I received this email earlier this week:

Hi Miss Demeanor,
it seems that eHarmony has matched our profiles again,
leading to a very interesting story to tell and some
thanks I have to offer for something you started back
in August. The first week I was in LA I had a date
lined up with you, courtesy of advance planning
through eHarmony. After things didn't work out I
decided to take a minute to think about what happened,
what I could have done differently, etc. My basic
conclusion was that I was boring, a stiff. You were
fun, outgoing, expressive, telling jokes and generally
being the life of the party whereas I had all the
personality and charm of your average rock. I didn't
move to LA to be my same old boring scientist self so
I immediately began to think about what to do
differently. This line of thinking in combination with
being brand new in town resulted in an explosion, a
transformation into a new person. I bought an exotic
sports car, hotter than a Ferrari and of course it's
red. Next I talked to the prettiest female friend I
have and asked her to help me develop some expressive
LA style. During several shopping trips to Melrose,
Beverly Hills and Santa Monica we totally overhauled
my wardrobe, out with the monocolor boring stuff and
in with red dress shirts, purple and multicolor design
ones, shiny gold and silver satin shirts, etc. Perhaps
most importantly I have become much more expressive in
my personality, I got into the performing arts in a
big way and am composing and playing music regularly,
with a pre-deal for my first CD release this fall. I
have also gotten into film and television, founded my
own production company and got really well hooked up
with the American Film Institute and other groups. In
general I am also much more smooth and confident in
demeanor, not as tentative and uncertain as I was in
the first weeks of being here. After having
overhauled things inside and out I began going out to
bars and clubs regularly and meeting with great
success. After a while of that I decided to try
eHarmony again, to look for something more substantial
and longer term. Imagine my surprise when your name,
face and profile showed up as a match. When I saw it I
had to stop and think, to realize that you started me
on the path of self-analysis, leading through
transformation and resulting in improvement. This
being the case I want to say thanks very much, things
are so much better for me now and you were the spark
that lit the fire.

Best regards,
Adam

p.s. my new profile is listed as "newname". I have changed
my look since last we met and you can see this in the
updated pics

(end email)

In case you care, I didn't contact him again. He's probably married while I'm blogging on Confessions of a Thirty-Something Single Woman ;-)

The Woman I Should Be

By Miss Demeanor

Last week, I had a great discussion with a single professional woman who is a friend of mine. I shared my decision to leave my job, and she understands my rationale. I know she’s been visiting and working from other locations over the last year, but I didn’t realize why. She admitted to me that for the last few years, she’s been desiring a healthy, Godly relationship. And she had essentially concluded that her present small town (despite being close to her family, having a great church, and living in a beautiful home) wasn’t going to cut it. Long story short, she reconnected with an old flame recently (very unexpectedly) at a baseball game and, even though the relationship is new and she doesn’t know how it’s going to turn out, she has stopped looking to relocate. Her admission reinforced what I wrote in my previous post: romantic relationships aren’t the “answer” to life’s problems, but we sure will make different life decisions when we find one that has promise!

Part of our discussion also brought to mind an epiphany I had ~5 years ago: I surmised that it’s difficult to be a professional woman AND a good wife. I wasn’t a Christian then, I just remember thinking that a husband really wants to be respected by his wife, and he doesn’t want her to question his judgment. As a professional woman, for 10 hours each weekday I need to earn respect from my colleagues in order to do my job well and climb that corporate ladder. Some of the same skills that make me successful in the office are the skills that make me less successful in a marriage: being assertive, freely speaking my mind, being decisive, offering suggestions to colleagues on addressing challenges, and acting in a way that commands respect. I struggled to be that woman at work, and then switch to a more feminine, responsive, submissive woman at home. I ended up being the assertive leader all the time, to the detriment of my marriage. My hunch is that even though I’d be more aware, I might still struggle with that if I was in a relationship today.

Several years ago, I went out on three dates with a man I nicknamed “The Interrogator.” He earned that moniker on our second date. First date was great: dinner at a nice restaurant, just the two of us, great conversation. Second date started out well, too: casual dinner with his brother and sister-in-law before an Angels game. The problem was, every time the guy on the mound threw a pitch to the batter, The Interrogator lobbed a question at me. Not casual questions that enabled us to have a friendly dialogue, or questions that flowed naturally from a conversation. Rather, he interrogated me with pointed questions like “How many children do you want” and other questions that I can no longer recall. He must have created his list of questions before our date and memorized them. It was awkward, to say the least. I’ve forgotten most of his questions by now, but there is one that haunts me. He asked me if I had considered the changes I’d need to make in my life to be in a relationship. The tone suggested “committed, long-term” relationship, and I recall that I was already annoyed about being grilled. I told him that when I met a man who was worthy of such a relationship, I would address those sorts of issues.

At the time, I felt smug about my response. Looking back, that was probably the most legitimate and insightful question he asked all night. At the time, I was working long hours and traveling a lot, making a name for myself at my company. I enjoyed the travel, because I was able to visit friends all over the place and turn work meetings into weekend getaways. When The Interrogator inquired about the changes I would need to make, I was firmly in the camp that I would work hard until I got into a relationship, and then I would slow down. I thought only the work hours and travel might interfere with a relationship. Today, I’m ashamed of my naïveté, because those two issues are just the tip of the iceberg! I realize now that I do need to start making changes in my life before I meet a good man. Just like a wonderful pastor lovingly advised me years after my interrogation when I was on a mission trip in Latin America.

So today, as a single woman, I am striving to be the woman outside of work that I should be whether I am in a relationship or not. I’m grateful that God’s grace is sufficient and that His mercies are new every morning, because being true to myself as I learn to be decisive & effective at work while being feminine & sensitive at home is no easy task!

Reflections on Another Birthday

By Miss Adventure

Another year of my life has passed by. Overall, this last year has been a good year. Within the last year have been some significant changes such as buying my first piece of property - my adorable condo in a location I love - and getting a dog - a three year old German Shepherd mix rescued from doom at the LA County Shelter. I have to say that I have felt considerably blessed this last year. My house is small, but near the great outdoors (well, as out-of-doors as you can get in Orange County).

There are some perks to being single - that's for sure. I fell in love with my place and bought it all in a month's time - no on else to consider. I pounded the pavement looking for the right furniture and decor for my house - and didn't have to compromise with anyone. I get my whole closet to myself (and there still doesn't seem to be enough room). I did it exactly as I wanted it. I have to say that I love the way it turned out, too. Of course, there are times when I thought, it sure would be nice to have someone else's opinion...or it would be nice to have a man take care of this...or I wish I had someone to...

The reality is that I did have other people to run things by. I certainly had help - my parents came over and helped a lot! A few friends helped out too from time to time. I did have a man to take care of things - my dad and my brothers. I couldn't ask for a better roommate. This has all made for a very smooth transition.

So, along came my birthday last weekend and thirty-something single women probably aren't supposed to look forward to their birthdays since they know time is ticking (especially that biological clock shoved in the corner of their minds). I must say that I was looking forward to my birthday weekend. It started Friday night with a girls trip to the Angels game, which they won and had GREAT fireworks afterward (I LOVE fireworks) and then a little shopping trip afterward in the Angels store - they were having a 30% discount night for AAA members - happy birthday to me!

Saturday was pretty low key, and then Sunday was a celebration all day long. Brunch with my parents at Five Crowns (in my beautiful purple dress I finally wore out) topped off by eating some of their Creme Brulee and my Chocolate Truffle Tart. Then, off to this historic house sitting on a Laguna cliff overlooking the Pacific where we laid out at the beach until dinner time. Dinner with the small group at the Royal Hawaiian, topped off with a Raspberry Chocolate Mousse cake (which really did put me over the top) to celebrate not just my birthday but also the birthdays of two other September girlfriends in our small group.

Another part to my day was all the nice text messages, phone calls, and Facebook messages I received. It's so nice to be remembered on your birthday - definitely makes me feel guilty because I am one of the worst at remembering people's birthdays!

No, my celebrations weren't done yet! Tuesday night another good girlfriend took me to the Melting Pot for Swiss Cheese fondue and then and White Chocolate Apple Strudel fondue (and yes, my clothes are fitting a little tighter right now). I am definitely one of those girls who loves to chat and eat leisurely!

Overall, a great birthday and a big thanks to everyone who made it special.

Looking back, the moral to the story is this: Relationships are important. Family and friendships are key to feeling treasured and loved. Especially if you are single. Make sure you leave time to develop those relationships and that you work on yourself so you can be the best friend you can be to those around you. They are the most important part of your life and the part that won't let you be alone.

What are You Thinking?

By Miss Adventure

I have to admit that I was mistaken. I had told Miss Demeanor this last weekend that I had not been asked out by a man in OC this last year outside of the internet. I was wrong. I was asked out, not all that long ago by a man. So, let me take you back to the day...

...It was warm and I was out for a early afternoon stroll with my darling doggy around the lake. It was a nice afternoon and I was in no hurry. Every now and then, I will see a dog that looks a lot like mine, and not knowing what breed mine is completely, I usually will easily fall into conversation with the parent of said dog. So, along comes a dog that looks like mine and when the gentlemen began a discussion with me, I was happy to comply.

First the discussion was about the dogs...then it became more personal. He started to talk about how he had moved back to be near his son who I was surprised to find out was in elementary school because I expected his son must be at least in college. Somewhere around this point I began to feel this conversation may be turning in a direction I wasn't wanting it to but I played it off and pretended interest in his life story. He talked about how he remembered Orange County years ago when there was nothing but fields....and this point I made sure to interject that my parents also talk about that to make sure he understood I had parents old enough to experience the same as him - because he was at least as old as they were! This man looked older than my father!!! Was he really trying to impress me?

He continued to go on and on about his own life giving me the run down and then eventually starts to talk about how he is dating a teacher, but it's not serious...she's not his girlfriend....he's not ready to be serious after the last ex-wife. I'm scrambling my brain trying to figure out how I can politely but quickly end this whole encounter. Before I could, he did it...he said he didn't know if we could drink wine at the lake (to which I quickly interjected that no, you can't drink wine at the lake) but he continued..."if you are interested..."

No! I am not interested. You are older than my father. I am at least thirty years your junior! Are you kidding me? Do I look that desperate? Or are you just that bold? Okay...I know the cougar thing is in right now, but I am not into a reverse cougar thing....I am not even into being a cougar! I don't get these kinds of relationships! Sorry, I realize that one of my favorite authors had romances between much older men and young women - but that was the norm 200 years ago! I want someone who will be around and be able to actually play with my children - I don't want to be diapering my child AND my husband at the same time.

So, I'm not sure what is worse - not being asked out at all or being asked out by creepy men?

...just another experience of a single woman in her thirties...

Finding Balance

By Miss Demeanor

I saw Miss Adventure and Miss Interpret this weekend, and they invited me to contribute to this blog. It’s true that I am a single thirty-something woman, but (since it’s relevant to this post) I’ll also add that I’m divorced. Since I was divorced before 30 and without children, I tend to have more in common with never-married women than with divorced moms, and I’m grateful that these ladies have embraced me despite our differences.

So anyway, one of the most important skills of life (and an area where I think we all struggle) is with balance. I’ve been thinking a lot about balance over the last few months, especially balancing work and life, balancing professional life with personal life. The extremes are easy to pick out. I know women who, as they neared 30, settled for whatever guy was available, and then married those guys even when they didn’t meet any of the two or three key qualities the ladies knew would be necessary to make a relationship work. I know women who got pregnant at 29 from whatever guy they were dating so they wouldn’t be a first-time mother after 30. I know women who sacrifice their every moment of life at the drop of a hat to make themselves available to a new guy. I know women who, on a first date, are already directing the movie in their mind about how this first date will lead to a marriage that lasts until death do they part.

And lest you think it’s only women, let me assure you that men fall into that camp, too. I’ve talked to my ex-husband more times in the last 3 months than in the prior 3 years, because we’re trying to figure out what to do with the condo in which I live. Back in July, he asked me why I moved into a 2 bedroom 2 bath place anyway. I explained that I wanted a roommate, partly because I had become too comfortable living by myself. His honest and immediate response was “Why didn’t you just go on Match?” I explained to him (as lovingly and nonjudgmentally as I could) that jumping into a relationship never solves problems, and it often creates more. With two divorces under his belt and a restraining order against a different failed relationship, he is learning this the hard way even though he hadn’t recognized it yet. He later agreed that relationships aren’t the answer to life’s problems.

But when we acknowledge that romantic relationships seldom alleviate the troubles we face in life, we risk ending up on the other side of the spectrum: as bitter or cynical singles. Women who don’t trust men. Women who spend so much time lamenting the lack of good men that they don’t have energy to go out and enjoy life. Women who justify giving their bodies to men who haven’t earned the right to be intimate with this priceless vessel. A more insidious example is a woman who focuses so much on her independent life (a high-powered career, giving back to her community, a strong circle of female friends, close ties with her family) that men don’t see any room for them in her life.

That’s a dangerous one, and again we must appeal to balance. We don’t want to be women who sit around in our bedrooms waiting for Prince Charming to arrive on a white horse. Until he arrives, we need to live our lives and embrace this stage of life (however long or short it may be). But we can’t live our lives in such a way that we shut out any prospective mate because our schedule is so harried that a man is afraid to enter. Last summer, a pastor told me I needed to create space in my life before a good man would come. I initially scoffed at his idea, but a year later I can indeed see what he means. I haven’t created that space yet, but I am to the point that I can acknowledge I need to do it. I continue to strive for that balance.

The reality for me is that romantic relationships really do change the game. I’ve spent the last 5 months assessing the life I have created for myself, and ultimately deciding that it’s not the life I want. So I decided a month ago to give notice at my job and move. I didn’t make that decision lightly, and it came as a result of many intertwined experiences and challenges. My ex-husband asked me to explain my rationale to him, because he’s going to help me with this condo. I described the pace, quality, and cost of living here; my general discontent with my job and life; a desire to do something different; a sense that God is closing this chapter in my life; and other factors that weighed into my decision. One of the dozen things I mentioned was that I haven’t been asked out by a man under the age of 50 in this area in the last two years.

He seemingly ignored every other reason I proffered, and advised me to log onto Plenty of Fish to find a husband. He was completely serious, as if that would address every other issue I mentioned. He reminded me that people make tremendous sacrifices to be in a healthy relationship, like when he moved 20 miles from a college where he had turned down a full-ride scholarship seven years prior – he didn’t like the weather or area but years later he was willing to follow his fabulous first wife there (yep, that’s me). I have to agree with him. I ended up living here (a place I said I would never live) because he got a job here. So both of us have proof that a romantic relationship with promising potential can override most other aspects of a person’s life. Despite feeling peace with my decision to leave, and experiencing excitement about this next phase in my life, it could certainly change. The reality is that if I met an amazing man here, I might apply the brakes and stay.

Frankly, that’s crazy when I scrutinize it. I’m not willing to stay here for a stable (albeit too demanding) job with a great company during the worst economic conditions in my life; I’m not willing to stay here for an exceptional church and some wonderful friends; I’m not willing to stay here and live in a beautiful condo with a great roommate. But I might consider staying for a man I have yet to meet? I don’t know that I’ll ever find the balance I am seeking, but I think if I can continue to ask the questions and be honest with myself, I’ll make progress.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, too. How do you find balance between desperation and cynicism, between faith and reason, as you navigate life as a thirty-something single woman?

So, Where are They?

By Miss Adventure

Sorry, girls, that I've been away. I developed a crush over the last few weeks and that was consuming my time. A crush? Yes, a crush! I was out walking my dog one night thinking about why I was had a crush on this boy. He was incredibly self-less, strong, confident, courageous, had an incredible amount of integrity, and was romantic! No wonder I had a crush...but he was fictional! I had begun to read a book series and quickly became addicted in part because I had a crush on the hero of the books. Pathetic, but true.

What does that say about me? Or, what does that say about the selection of men I am surrounded by (actually, what selection of men? I know only a few - and while they are a good few, I know way more good single women)? I was just having a discussion about this with my girlfriends the other day. Is it where we live? Are we being too picky? Most of us girls that are still single in my group of friends have tried internet dating with mixed opinions and experiences but that seems about the only place here in Orange County we are having much luck meeting people.

I must say though, that I don't understand how there are all these quality women I am surrounded by in my general age bracket that are still single! Really, how has no guy seen the quality in front of them and snapped it up? Well, I just really want this opportunity to tell my girlfriends that you are quality! I don't know why you haven't been snapped up yet, but you are worth the wait! Hang in there!

Feeling Beautiful

By Miss Adventure

Yesterday while I was waiting to meet up with my roommate at Target, I decided to walk by the clothing. That was a mistake since I wasn't planning to spend any money on clothes (why do we tempt ourselves like that?). While scanning the racks, the prettiest purple dress jumped out and begged me to try it on, so I did. After all, maybe it wouldn't look good or fit right and then I wouldn't have to wonder how it would look anymore. So I looked at the sizes - there were only three, and the first two were too small...but the last one was in my size. I pulled it off and took it to the dressing room and started to put it on and it did not fit! Much much too big! I looked at the size again and managed to miss the added number in front of my size - I had accidentally taken one that was 10 sizes too big!

My roommate came in and offered to go get my size, which I knew wasn't there, but she brought me the next size down. I was pretty sure it would not fit (after all, I'd eaten a lot this summer and my stomach and hips were on the larger size of normal so no chance of being a size smaller). It did fit though - it fit PERFECTLY. In fact, not only was it a size smaller than what I normally wear, it was very slimming and the perfect proportions and shape for my body type. How could I not buy it? I felt like a beautiful woman who had just stepped out of the 1950's (it was a retro style) - all I needed was a pearl necklace and high heels to make it absolutely perfect. Though not a necessity and not exactly what I had planned for in my budget, I had to buy it.

Sometimes we need to do things as women that are going to make us feel beautiful - whatever that is - a new pair of shoes, a dress, a new haircut, toning up a bit, wearing beautiful jewelry... We don't need to do this to make us beautiful - because we already are! Each of us have beauty unique and special all our own, but there's something about feeling beautiful that makes us glow a little more and gives us enough of that boost of confidence that helps us hold our heads a little higher and causes people to take a second look. I've learned that really beauty comes from the inside - not the outside. Yes, the outside can be beautiful but haven't you ever noticed that people grow prettier or uglier depending on their personality and character? They do for me at least. There's almost nothing more beautiful than a women who knows who she was created to be, rejoices in that, holds her head high and makes the most of what she was given - physically, spiritually, and in her personality.

Growing up, I certainly did not feel beautiful on the outside and I think because of that I didn't always allow people to see my inner beauty either. I remember this story I was told at camp -it was a great story about a woman who was not attractive and no one in the village ever thought she would get a husband who would pay anything for her (in this village the man had to pay the father for her hand). No one thought that until Johnny Lingo came along and paid eight cows for her! That was unheard of and no one understood it. He took her as his wife and moved her away from the village. Later, when story teller went to visit Johnny, he didn't recognize Johnny's wife - it wasn't the same woman from the village. It couldn't be, this woman was beautiful! But it was the same woman, it was just that being loved and treasured had given her a reason to feel beautiful. She began to show the beauty that was always there but just masked by her self-doubt. I think that's really true for us too. When we realize we are special and treasured and start to act that way, we begin to show our true beauty.

Yes, It Has Happened to Me

By Miss Adventure

One of the first things I'd like to share with you all is a moment in my life that I thought only happened on TV or in the movies. A few years ago, I received a letter in the mail from my grandmother. I opened the fat envelope and in it was an article, several pages long, that I'm sure is from a magazine published in the late 80's. The title was something like, "What's Wrong with Me? Why Can't I Find Someone to Love." Honestly, I don't remember the exact title, but it was something like that. My grandmother was cleaning out old magazines and found this article and thought of me. It had several tips about how to meet a man. It did actually say that there was nothing wrong with me even though I hadn't found the right man yet. Pheww!!! That's reassuring...there's nothing wrong with me even though I AM single.

Now, I know my grandmother did not mean anything by it and really thought she was being helpful. I did not take offense, but I did get a really good laugh out of it. In fact, I posted the whole article on the refrigerator I shared with my two other single roommates in a house where we often welcomed many other singles. I also know that my grandmother does not think there is anything wrong with me. She just thought I might like to read it. My grandmother is an amazing farm women almost ninety now. She did meet and marry the love of her life and they were together until the death of my grandfather parted them. I know she merely wishes for me to find the same happiness she did. And I would like to find that same happiness, but so far it hasn't gone so well.

I think that is a common question single people ask, "What's wrong with me?" I am here to tell you to stop asking that question. We all have our quirks and things we need to work on. None of us are perfect and there is always room for improvement. Does that mean we are not marriage material? No! If that were the case no one would be married.

If you are like me, and I'm a little ashamed to say this, you have probably looked at someone before and thought, "How did they find someone and I haven't?" Comparing ourselves is no good and it is a place we shouldn't go. Some good self-reflection and working to smooth out those rough spots we all have is a good place to go - not because our ultimate goal is to catch that perfect man (because ladies there is no such thing!), but because we want to be best we can be in the way God created us!

Striving to be Christ-like is where we should be focused - not striving to be "good marriage material". I know some pretty amazing women who are great "marriage material" because they strive to be like Christ. I've known some of them for years. It is not because they are not worthy that they are still single, it is because for whatever reason, God has so far had other plans for them. As they stay focused on Christ, they stop comparing themselves, asking why, and instead lead happy, fulfilled lives of single women!

P.S. - This is where I'd love to hear any of your funny stories similar to mine.

It Begins....

By Miss Adventure

So, here is the inaugural posting on my new blog all about being a single woman who happens to now be in her thirties. I keep thinking about writing a book about this topic because there is so much to say!!! I know because I have so many thoughts about it as do all my girlfriends who also are single. But, reality is, with the busy and somewhat unpredictable life of a thirty-something year old single woman, I will probably never get around to writing that book. So, I thought, "A blog! That's the answer!"

I like the idea of a blog because it allows more discussion anyway. I'd like to hear your responses - YOUR thoughts and experiences on the matter as well. I know if you are a thirty-something year old single woman like myself, you probably have lots to say on the matter.

We are here to talk about the trials, the tribulations, and the JOYS (yes, the joys because there are many!!!!) of being such a woman. Men can also contribute (since I have some great single male friends out there that can also relate to some of our discussions), but I have to go from the perspective that I am a single WOMAN...so really I know I can best speak to women.

Alright, I'm off to the beach...more later.