The Woman I Should Be

By Miss Demeanor

Last week, I had a great discussion with a single professional woman who is a friend of mine. I shared my decision to leave my job, and she understands my rationale. I know she’s been visiting and working from other locations over the last year, but I didn’t realize why. She admitted to me that for the last few years, she’s been desiring a healthy, Godly relationship. And she had essentially concluded that her present small town (despite being close to her family, having a great church, and living in a beautiful home) wasn’t going to cut it. Long story short, she reconnected with an old flame recently (very unexpectedly) at a baseball game and, even though the relationship is new and she doesn’t know how it’s going to turn out, she has stopped looking to relocate. Her admission reinforced what I wrote in my previous post: romantic relationships aren’t the “answer” to life’s problems, but we sure will make different life decisions when we find one that has promise!

Part of our discussion also brought to mind an epiphany I had ~5 years ago: I surmised that it’s difficult to be a professional woman AND a good wife. I wasn’t a Christian then, I just remember thinking that a husband really wants to be respected by his wife, and he doesn’t want her to question his judgment. As a professional woman, for 10 hours each weekday I need to earn respect from my colleagues in order to do my job well and climb that corporate ladder. Some of the same skills that make me successful in the office are the skills that make me less successful in a marriage: being assertive, freely speaking my mind, being decisive, offering suggestions to colleagues on addressing challenges, and acting in a way that commands respect. I struggled to be that woman at work, and then switch to a more feminine, responsive, submissive woman at home. I ended up being the assertive leader all the time, to the detriment of my marriage. My hunch is that even though I’d be more aware, I might still struggle with that if I was in a relationship today.

Several years ago, I went out on three dates with a man I nicknamed “The Interrogator.” He earned that moniker on our second date. First date was great: dinner at a nice restaurant, just the two of us, great conversation. Second date started out well, too: casual dinner with his brother and sister-in-law before an Angels game. The problem was, every time the guy on the mound threw a pitch to the batter, The Interrogator lobbed a question at me. Not casual questions that enabled us to have a friendly dialogue, or questions that flowed naturally from a conversation. Rather, he interrogated me with pointed questions like “How many children do you want” and other questions that I can no longer recall. He must have created his list of questions before our date and memorized them. It was awkward, to say the least. I’ve forgotten most of his questions by now, but there is one that haunts me. He asked me if I had considered the changes I’d need to make in my life to be in a relationship. The tone suggested “committed, long-term” relationship, and I recall that I was already annoyed about being grilled. I told him that when I met a man who was worthy of such a relationship, I would address those sorts of issues.

At the time, I felt smug about my response. Looking back, that was probably the most legitimate and insightful question he asked all night. At the time, I was working long hours and traveling a lot, making a name for myself at my company. I enjoyed the travel, because I was able to visit friends all over the place and turn work meetings into weekend getaways. When The Interrogator inquired about the changes I would need to make, I was firmly in the camp that I would work hard until I got into a relationship, and then I would slow down. I thought only the work hours and travel might interfere with a relationship. Today, I’m ashamed of my naïveté, because those two issues are just the tip of the iceberg! I realize now that I do need to start making changes in my life before I meet a good man. Just like a wonderful pastor lovingly advised me years after my interrogation when I was on a mission trip in Latin America.

So today, as a single woman, I am striving to be the woman outside of work that I should be whether I am in a relationship or not. I’m grateful that God’s grace is sufficient and that His mercies are new every morning, because being true to myself as I learn to be decisive & effective at work while being feminine & sensitive at home is no easy task!