I saw Miss Adventure and Miss Interpret this weekend, and they invited me to contribute to this blog. It’s true that I am a single thirty-something woman, but (since it’s relevant to this post) I’ll also add that I’m divorced. Since I was divorced before 30 and without children, I tend to have more in common with never-married women than with divorced moms, and I’m grateful that these ladies have embraced me despite our differences.
So anyway, one of the most important skills of life (and an area where I think we all struggle) is with balance. I’ve been thinking a lot about balance over the last few months, especially balancing work and life, balancing professional life with personal life. The extremes are easy to pick out. I know women who, as they neared 30, settled for whatever guy was available, and then married those guys even when they didn’t meet any of the two or three key qualities the ladies knew would be necessary to make a relationship work. I know women who got pregnant at 29 from whatever guy they were dating so they wouldn’t be a first-time mother after 30. I know women who sacrifice their every moment of life at the drop of a hat to make themselves available to a new guy. I know women who, on a first date, are already directing the movie in their mind about how this first date will lead to a marriage that lasts until death do they part.
And lest you think it’s only women, let me assure you that men fall into that camp, too. I’ve talked to my ex-husband more times in the last 3 months than in the prior 3 years, because we’re trying to figure out what to do with the condo in which I live. Back in July, he asked me why I moved into a 2 bedroom 2 bath place anyway. I explained that I wanted a roommate, partly because I had become too comfortable living by myself. His honest and immediate response was “Why didn’t you just go on Match?” I explained to him (as lovingly and nonjudgmentally as I could) that jumping into a relationship never solves problems, and it often creates more. With two divorces under his belt and a restraining order against a different failed relationship, he is learning this the hard way even though he hadn’t recognized it yet. He later agreed that relationships aren’t the answer to life’s problems.
But when we acknowledge that romantic relationships seldom alleviate the troubles we face in life, we risk ending up on the other side of the spectrum: as bitter or cynical singles. Women who don’t trust men. Women who spend so much time lamenting the lack of good men that they don’t have energy to go out and enjoy life. Women who justify giving their bodies to men who haven’t earned the right to be intimate with this priceless vessel. A more insidious example is a woman who focuses so much on her independent life (a high-powered career, giving back to her community, a strong circle of female friends, close ties with her family) that men don’t see any room for them in her life.
That’s a dangerous one, and again we must appeal to balance. We don’t want to be women who sit around in our bedrooms waiting for Prince Charming to arrive on a white horse. Until he arrives, we need to live our lives and embrace this stage of life (however long or short it may be). But we can’t live our lives in such a way that we shut out any prospective mate because our schedule is so harried that a man is afraid to enter. Last summer, a pastor told me I needed to create space in my life before a good man would come. I initially scoffed at his idea, but a year later I can indeed see what he means. I haven’t created that space yet, but I am to the point that I can acknowledge I need to do it. I continue to strive for that balance.
The reality for me is that romantic relationships really do change the game. I’ve spent the last 5 months assessing the life I have created for myself, and ultimately deciding that it’s not the life I want. So I decided a month ago to give notice at my job and move. I didn’t make that decision lightly, and it came as a result of many intertwined experiences and challenges. My ex-husband asked me to explain my rationale to him, because he’s going to help me with this condo. I described the pace, quality, and cost of living here; my general discontent with my job and life; a desire to do something different; a sense that God is closing this chapter in my life; and other factors that weighed into my decision. One of the dozen things I mentioned was that I haven’t been asked out by a man under the age of 50 in this area in the last two years.
He seemingly ignored every other reason I proffered, and advised me to log onto Plenty of Fish to find a husband. He was completely serious, as if that would address every other issue I mentioned. He reminded me that people make tremendous sacrifices to be in a healthy relationship, like when he moved 20 miles from a college where he had turned down a full-ride scholarship seven years prior – he didn’t like the weather or area but years later he was willing to follow his fabulous first wife there (yep, that’s me). I have to agree with him. I ended up living here (a place I said I would never live) because he got a job here. So both of us have proof that a romantic relationship with promising potential can override most other aspects of a person’s life. Despite feeling peace with my decision to leave, and experiencing excitement about this next phase in my life, it could certainly change. The reality is that if I met an amazing man here, I might apply the brakes and stay.
Frankly, that’s crazy when I scrutinize it. I’m not willing to stay here for a stable (albeit too demanding) job with a great company during the worst economic conditions in my life; I’m not willing to stay here for an exceptional church and some wonderful friends; I’m not willing to stay here and live in a beautiful condo with a great roommate. But I might consider staying for a man I have yet to meet? I don’t know that I’ll ever find the balance I am seeking, but I think if I can continue to ask the questions and be honest with myself, I’ll make progress.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, too. How do you find balance between desperation and cynicism, between faith and reason, as you navigate life as a thirty-something single woman?
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