Playing Games

By Miss Adventure

I have to say that when it comes to dating, life can be confusing. There is so much information and advice out there - plenty that is unsolicited too! Everyone has their own philosophy and they believe it is the right philosophy. Think about how many books are out there on this subject! If you don't do it this way, then you won't get a date...or he won't call you back...or you'll scare him off. Make sure you play hard to get so he'll be interested and you don't look desperate. Always let the guy approach you because that's the way it's meant to be, but then you hear how guys like girls that are confident and knows what she wants. Also, I've had discussions with guys that say how hard it is to ask a girl out, guys have insecurities too, don't be too hard on them, etc.

So, I am doing the internet dating thing because as we discussed earlier, where else do you find men? Since the internet seems to be just about the only place I get dates, I have stuck to that. This is the second time now, though, where a guy has asked if we could get together on that day - he has not given me much notice. Both have prefaced it with they know it's last minute, etc. Now, most of the advice I have heard is to say no, otherwise you'll look too easy or desperate. But, let's face it, most of us who live in the OC have busy lives. For me, a lot of times when I've tried to schedule dates with guys it can be hard to find a good day that works with both of our schedules. So, if I happen to be available for a last minute meeting, I feel like the only reason I'm saying no is because of other people's advice on the "rules". I feel like I'm lying and playing a game - a game of manipulation. I am not a manipulative person, I like to play by my own rules because it's what makes sense to me and is true to myself. Part of that is I can be fairly spontaneous. I'm more often a last minute person in making plans.

This brings me to question, how much do I stay true to who I am and expect a guy to accept me that way (and if he doesn't, believe that he is not the right person for me)? Or, how much do I play by the "rules" so that I can bait and hook a guy so he can then get to know the real me? Now, I would never think it's right to be totally insincere or untrue to yourself, but some of this is like going to an interview. You have to be aware of first impressions and how they affect people.

All this leads me to one conclusion...dating can be awfully confusing!

You Can't Make This Kind of Thing Up

By Miss Demeanor

I told Miss Adventure that since my last two posts have talked about some of the challenges of singlehood, I’d make sure my next post was about the joys of singlehood. There are many, to be sure. In fact, one of my closest friends is really struggling in her marriage, and I truthfully told her that having been on both sides (adult married and adult single) without kids, I have no doubt that being single is easier. It’s not easy, nor is it perfect, but it is easier in most ways.

Anyway, in another post I’ll elaborate on the many joys of singlehood, because this is just too great to keep under wraps :) I hope that it makes you laugh, because it made me laugh.

I was over at my best girl’s house and she was showing me some of her eHarmony matches. One of her eHarmony date stories brought to mind a similar story that I had when I tried eHarmony for 6 months several years ago, so I committed to recalling the details from 3+ years ago. Luckily, my email provides unlimited storage, so I really can find nearly anything. When I resurrected this email, I had to share it. This is the text (name changed to protect the guilty) of the email I sent to a girlfriend right after this event occurred in early 2006:

Okay, lest you think I was exaggerating about fanny pack / sucrose boy.... He used to have a profile called "Adam" (his name) and it's still in my 'closed' file on eHarmony. Here is the picture that was posted there. As I have shared with you, I didn't think he was fine, but I felt like he was remotely attractive based on his picture (nice eyes, pretty smile, etc.).

Of course, as you well know, he didn't look anything like that when I met him for dinner. Next, I received this email earlier this week:

Hi Miss Demeanor,
it seems that eHarmony has matched our profiles again,
leading to a very interesting story to tell and some
thanks I have to offer for something you started back
in August. The first week I was in LA I had a date
lined up with you, courtesy of advance planning
through eHarmony. After things didn't work out I
decided to take a minute to think about what happened,
what I could have done differently, etc. My basic
conclusion was that I was boring, a stiff. You were
fun, outgoing, expressive, telling jokes and generally
being the life of the party whereas I had all the
personality and charm of your average rock. I didn't
move to LA to be my same old boring scientist self so
I immediately began to think about what to do
differently. This line of thinking in combination with
being brand new in town resulted in an explosion, a
transformation into a new person. I bought an exotic
sports car, hotter than a Ferrari and of course it's
red. Next I talked to the prettiest female friend I
have and asked her to help me develop some expressive
LA style. During several shopping trips to Melrose,
Beverly Hills and Santa Monica we totally overhauled
my wardrobe, out with the monocolor boring stuff and
in with red dress shirts, purple and multicolor design
ones, shiny gold and silver satin shirts, etc. Perhaps
most importantly I have become much more expressive in
my personality, I got into the performing arts in a
big way and am composing and playing music regularly,
with a pre-deal for my first CD release this fall. I
have also gotten into film and television, founded my
own production company and got really well hooked up
with the American Film Institute and other groups. In
general I am also much more smooth and confident in
demeanor, not as tentative and uncertain as I was in
the first weeks of being here. After having
overhauled things inside and out I began going out to
bars and clubs regularly and meeting with great
success. After a while of that I decided to try
eHarmony again, to look for something more substantial
and longer term. Imagine my surprise when your name,
face and profile showed up as a match. When I saw it I
had to stop and think, to realize that you started me
on the path of self-analysis, leading through
transformation and resulting in improvement. This
being the case I want to say thanks very much, things
are so much better for me now and you were the spark
that lit the fire.

Best regards,
Adam

p.s. my new profile is listed as "newname". I have changed
my look since last we met and you can see this in the
updated pics

(end email)

In case you care, I didn't contact him again. He's probably married while I'm blogging on Confessions of a Thirty-Something Single Woman ;-)

The Woman I Should Be

By Miss Demeanor

Last week, I had a great discussion with a single professional woman who is a friend of mine. I shared my decision to leave my job, and she understands my rationale. I know she’s been visiting and working from other locations over the last year, but I didn’t realize why. She admitted to me that for the last few years, she’s been desiring a healthy, Godly relationship. And she had essentially concluded that her present small town (despite being close to her family, having a great church, and living in a beautiful home) wasn’t going to cut it. Long story short, she reconnected with an old flame recently (very unexpectedly) at a baseball game and, even though the relationship is new and she doesn’t know how it’s going to turn out, she has stopped looking to relocate. Her admission reinforced what I wrote in my previous post: romantic relationships aren’t the “answer” to life’s problems, but we sure will make different life decisions when we find one that has promise!

Part of our discussion also brought to mind an epiphany I had ~5 years ago: I surmised that it’s difficult to be a professional woman AND a good wife. I wasn’t a Christian then, I just remember thinking that a husband really wants to be respected by his wife, and he doesn’t want her to question his judgment. As a professional woman, for 10 hours each weekday I need to earn respect from my colleagues in order to do my job well and climb that corporate ladder. Some of the same skills that make me successful in the office are the skills that make me less successful in a marriage: being assertive, freely speaking my mind, being decisive, offering suggestions to colleagues on addressing challenges, and acting in a way that commands respect. I struggled to be that woman at work, and then switch to a more feminine, responsive, submissive woman at home. I ended up being the assertive leader all the time, to the detriment of my marriage. My hunch is that even though I’d be more aware, I might still struggle with that if I was in a relationship today.

Several years ago, I went out on three dates with a man I nicknamed “The Interrogator.” He earned that moniker on our second date. First date was great: dinner at a nice restaurant, just the two of us, great conversation. Second date started out well, too: casual dinner with his brother and sister-in-law before an Angels game. The problem was, every time the guy on the mound threw a pitch to the batter, The Interrogator lobbed a question at me. Not casual questions that enabled us to have a friendly dialogue, or questions that flowed naturally from a conversation. Rather, he interrogated me with pointed questions like “How many children do you want” and other questions that I can no longer recall. He must have created his list of questions before our date and memorized them. It was awkward, to say the least. I’ve forgotten most of his questions by now, but there is one that haunts me. He asked me if I had considered the changes I’d need to make in my life to be in a relationship. The tone suggested “committed, long-term” relationship, and I recall that I was already annoyed about being grilled. I told him that when I met a man who was worthy of such a relationship, I would address those sorts of issues.

At the time, I felt smug about my response. Looking back, that was probably the most legitimate and insightful question he asked all night. At the time, I was working long hours and traveling a lot, making a name for myself at my company. I enjoyed the travel, because I was able to visit friends all over the place and turn work meetings into weekend getaways. When The Interrogator inquired about the changes I would need to make, I was firmly in the camp that I would work hard until I got into a relationship, and then I would slow down. I thought only the work hours and travel might interfere with a relationship. Today, I’m ashamed of my naïveté, because those two issues are just the tip of the iceberg! I realize now that I do need to start making changes in my life before I meet a good man. Just like a wonderful pastor lovingly advised me years after my interrogation when I was on a mission trip in Latin America.

So today, as a single woman, I am striving to be the woman outside of work that I should be whether I am in a relationship or not. I’m grateful that God’s grace is sufficient and that His mercies are new every morning, because being true to myself as I learn to be decisive & effective at work while being feminine & sensitive at home is no easy task!

Reflections on Another Birthday

By Miss Adventure

Another year of my life has passed by. Overall, this last year has been a good year. Within the last year have been some significant changes such as buying my first piece of property - my adorable condo in a location I love - and getting a dog - a three year old German Shepherd mix rescued from doom at the LA County Shelter. I have to say that I have felt considerably blessed this last year. My house is small, but near the great outdoors (well, as out-of-doors as you can get in Orange County).

There are some perks to being single - that's for sure. I fell in love with my place and bought it all in a month's time - no on else to consider. I pounded the pavement looking for the right furniture and decor for my house - and didn't have to compromise with anyone. I get my whole closet to myself (and there still doesn't seem to be enough room). I did it exactly as I wanted it. I have to say that I love the way it turned out, too. Of course, there are times when I thought, it sure would be nice to have someone else's opinion...or it would be nice to have a man take care of this...or I wish I had someone to...

The reality is that I did have other people to run things by. I certainly had help - my parents came over and helped a lot! A few friends helped out too from time to time. I did have a man to take care of things - my dad and my brothers. I couldn't ask for a better roommate. This has all made for a very smooth transition.

So, along came my birthday last weekend and thirty-something single women probably aren't supposed to look forward to their birthdays since they know time is ticking (especially that biological clock shoved in the corner of their minds). I must say that I was looking forward to my birthday weekend. It started Friday night with a girls trip to the Angels game, which they won and had GREAT fireworks afterward (I LOVE fireworks) and then a little shopping trip afterward in the Angels store - they were having a 30% discount night for AAA members - happy birthday to me!

Saturday was pretty low key, and then Sunday was a celebration all day long. Brunch with my parents at Five Crowns (in my beautiful purple dress I finally wore out) topped off by eating some of their Creme Brulee and my Chocolate Truffle Tart. Then, off to this historic house sitting on a Laguna cliff overlooking the Pacific where we laid out at the beach until dinner time. Dinner with the small group at the Royal Hawaiian, topped off with a Raspberry Chocolate Mousse cake (which really did put me over the top) to celebrate not just my birthday but also the birthdays of two other September girlfriends in our small group.

Another part to my day was all the nice text messages, phone calls, and Facebook messages I received. It's so nice to be remembered on your birthday - definitely makes me feel guilty because I am one of the worst at remembering people's birthdays!

No, my celebrations weren't done yet! Tuesday night another good girlfriend took me to the Melting Pot for Swiss Cheese fondue and then and White Chocolate Apple Strudel fondue (and yes, my clothes are fitting a little tighter right now). I am definitely one of those girls who loves to chat and eat leisurely!

Overall, a great birthday and a big thanks to everyone who made it special.

Looking back, the moral to the story is this: Relationships are important. Family and friendships are key to feeling treasured and loved. Especially if you are single. Make sure you leave time to develop those relationships and that you work on yourself so you can be the best friend you can be to those around you. They are the most important part of your life and the part that won't let you be alone.

What are You Thinking?

By Miss Adventure

I have to admit that I was mistaken. I had told Miss Demeanor this last weekend that I had not been asked out by a man in OC this last year outside of the internet. I was wrong. I was asked out, not all that long ago by a man. So, let me take you back to the day...

...It was warm and I was out for a early afternoon stroll with my darling doggy around the lake. It was a nice afternoon and I was in no hurry. Every now and then, I will see a dog that looks a lot like mine, and not knowing what breed mine is completely, I usually will easily fall into conversation with the parent of said dog. So, along comes a dog that looks like mine and when the gentlemen began a discussion with me, I was happy to comply.

First the discussion was about the dogs...then it became more personal. He started to talk about how he had moved back to be near his son who I was surprised to find out was in elementary school because I expected his son must be at least in college. Somewhere around this point I began to feel this conversation may be turning in a direction I wasn't wanting it to but I played it off and pretended interest in his life story. He talked about how he remembered Orange County years ago when there was nothing but fields....and this point I made sure to interject that my parents also talk about that to make sure he understood I had parents old enough to experience the same as him - because he was at least as old as they were! This man looked older than my father!!! Was he really trying to impress me?

He continued to go on and on about his own life giving me the run down and then eventually starts to talk about how he is dating a teacher, but it's not serious...she's not his girlfriend....he's not ready to be serious after the last ex-wife. I'm scrambling my brain trying to figure out how I can politely but quickly end this whole encounter. Before I could, he did it...he said he didn't know if we could drink wine at the lake (to which I quickly interjected that no, you can't drink wine at the lake) but he continued..."if you are interested..."

No! I am not interested. You are older than my father. I am at least thirty years your junior! Are you kidding me? Do I look that desperate? Or are you just that bold? Okay...I know the cougar thing is in right now, but I am not into a reverse cougar thing....I am not even into being a cougar! I don't get these kinds of relationships! Sorry, I realize that one of my favorite authors had romances between much older men and young women - but that was the norm 200 years ago! I want someone who will be around and be able to actually play with my children - I don't want to be diapering my child AND my husband at the same time.

So, I'm not sure what is worse - not being asked out at all or being asked out by creepy men?

...just another experience of a single woman in her thirties...

Finding Balance

By Miss Demeanor

I saw Miss Adventure and Miss Interpret this weekend, and they invited me to contribute to this blog. It’s true that I am a single thirty-something woman, but (since it’s relevant to this post) I’ll also add that I’m divorced. Since I was divorced before 30 and without children, I tend to have more in common with never-married women than with divorced moms, and I’m grateful that these ladies have embraced me despite our differences.

So anyway, one of the most important skills of life (and an area where I think we all struggle) is with balance. I’ve been thinking a lot about balance over the last few months, especially balancing work and life, balancing professional life with personal life. The extremes are easy to pick out. I know women who, as they neared 30, settled for whatever guy was available, and then married those guys even when they didn’t meet any of the two or three key qualities the ladies knew would be necessary to make a relationship work. I know women who got pregnant at 29 from whatever guy they were dating so they wouldn’t be a first-time mother after 30. I know women who sacrifice their every moment of life at the drop of a hat to make themselves available to a new guy. I know women who, on a first date, are already directing the movie in their mind about how this first date will lead to a marriage that lasts until death do they part.

And lest you think it’s only women, let me assure you that men fall into that camp, too. I’ve talked to my ex-husband more times in the last 3 months than in the prior 3 years, because we’re trying to figure out what to do with the condo in which I live. Back in July, he asked me why I moved into a 2 bedroom 2 bath place anyway. I explained that I wanted a roommate, partly because I had become too comfortable living by myself. His honest and immediate response was “Why didn’t you just go on Match?” I explained to him (as lovingly and nonjudgmentally as I could) that jumping into a relationship never solves problems, and it often creates more. With two divorces under his belt and a restraining order against a different failed relationship, he is learning this the hard way even though he hadn’t recognized it yet. He later agreed that relationships aren’t the answer to life’s problems.

But when we acknowledge that romantic relationships seldom alleviate the troubles we face in life, we risk ending up on the other side of the spectrum: as bitter or cynical singles. Women who don’t trust men. Women who spend so much time lamenting the lack of good men that they don’t have energy to go out and enjoy life. Women who justify giving their bodies to men who haven’t earned the right to be intimate with this priceless vessel. A more insidious example is a woman who focuses so much on her independent life (a high-powered career, giving back to her community, a strong circle of female friends, close ties with her family) that men don’t see any room for them in her life.

That’s a dangerous one, and again we must appeal to balance. We don’t want to be women who sit around in our bedrooms waiting for Prince Charming to arrive on a white horse. Until he arrives, we need to live our lives and embrace this stage of life (however long or short it may be). But we can’t live our lives in such a way that we shut out any prospective mate because our schedule is so harried that a man is afraid to enter. Last summer, a pastor told me I needed to create space in my life before a good man would come. I initially scoffed at his idea, but a year later I can indeed see what he means. I haven’t created that space yet, but I am to the point that I can acknowledge I need to do it. I continue to strive for that balance.

The reality for me is that romantic relationships really do change the game. I’ve spent the last 5 months assessing the life I have created for myself, and ultimately deciding that it’s not the life I want. So I decided a month ago to give notice at my job and move. I didn’t make that decision lightly, and it came as a result of many intertwined experiences and challenges. My ex-husband asked me to explain my rationale to him, because he’s going to help me with this condo. I described the pace, quality, and cost of living here; my general discontent with my job and life; a desire to do something different; a sense that God is closing this chapter in my life; and other factors that weighed into my decision. One of the dozen things I mentioned was that I haven’t been asked out by a man under the age of 50 in this area in the last two years.

He seemingly ignored every other reason I proffered, and advised me to log onto Plenty of Fish to find a husband. He was completely serious, as if that would address every other issue I mentioned. He reminded me that people make tremendous sacrifices to be in a healthy relationship, like when he moved 20 miles from a college where he had turned down a full-ride scholarship seven years prior – he didn’t like the weather or area but years later he was willing to follow his fabulous first wife there (yep, that’s me). I have to agree with him. I ended up living here (a place I said I would never live) because he got a job here. So both of us have proof that a romantic relationship with promising potential can override most other aspects of a person’s life. Despite feeling peace with my decision to leave, and experiencing excitement about this next phase in my life, it could certainly change. The reality is that if I met an amazing man here, I might apply the brakes and stay.

Frankly, that’s crazy when I scrutinize it. I’m not willing to stay here for a stable (albeit too demanding) job with a great company during the worst economic conditions in my life; I’m not willing to stay here for an exceptional church and some wonderful friends; I’m not willing to stay here and live in a beautiful condo with a great roommate. But I might consider staying for a man I have yet to meet? I don’t know that I’ll ever find the balance I am seeking, but I think if I can continue to ask the questions and be honest with myself, I’ll make progress.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, too. How do you find balance between desperation and cynicism, between faith and reason, as you navigate life as a thirty-something single woman?

So, Where are They?

By Miss Adventure

Sorry, girls, that I've been away. I developed a crush over the last few weeks and that was consuming my time. A crush? Yes, a crush! I was out walking my dog one night thinking about why I was had a crush on this boy. He was incredibly self-less, strong, confident, courageous, had an incredible amount of integrity, and was romantic! No wonder I had a crush...but he was fictional! I had begun to read a book series and quickly became addicted in part because I had a crush on the hero of the books. Pathetic, but true.

What does that say about me? Or, what does that say about the selection of men I am surrounded by (actually, what selection of men? I know only a few - and while they are a good few, I know way more good single women)? I was just having a discussion about this with my girlfriends the other day. Is it where we live? Are we being too picky? Most of us girls that are still single in my group of friends have tried internet dating with mixed opinions and experiences but that seems about the only place here in Orange County we are having much luck meeting people.

I must say though, that I don't understand how there are all these quality women I am surrounded by in my general age bracket that are still single! Really, how has no guy seen the quality in front of them and snapped it up? Well, I just really want this opportunity to tell my girlfriends that you are quality! I don't know why you haven't been snapped up yet, but you are worth the wait! Hang in there!