When You Wish Upon a Star

By Miss Adventure

"When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are! Anything your heart desires, will come to you."

When we were young this song brought hope in the dreams of little girls. It all seemed so simple back then, as a little child. Life had a path and it was so clear and easy. No thoughts given to how to FIND Prince Charming - he was going to come to us! He would come riding on his white horse saving us from some lurking evil. It would be easy to know who he was - we would immediately fall in love with each other. No questioning - the only things that came between were wicked stepmothers or dragons or evil characters of some sort. They were all fictional, of course, so that meant love would be easy to find and easy to keep. As we get older, we begin to realize that prince on the white horse may be fictional too. As we become adults, we realize he IS fictional - love is not that easy, love is not that clear, and there is no perfect man out there.

What brought this thought? Tonight - Friday night - as I was coming out of Target, I saw an AMAZINGLY beautiful shooting star. It wasn't one of those blink and you'll miss it kind - it was one of those that slowly drops to the earth so closely you think you can reach out and touch it. I saw it and began to look away when it registered this bright streaming light was out of the ordinary - it was a shooting star! I looked back and watched in awe for several seconds as it burned brighter and brighter as it dropped toward the parking lot and then finally burned out.

The shooting star reminded me that I needed to make a wish; not that I really believe in that but the child inside of me likes to make that wish anyway (realizing it's really more of a prayer than anything else). So, my thoughts went to an earlier conversation with my sister-in-law. She began our phone conversation saying she had found me a husband. I bit and listened to her tell me about this man she had found and he does sound interesting. So, instead of the man finding me, I will let my sister-in-law try to bring the man to me. And, as is often the case, it is a long shot that it will even work out. The evil characters to keep us apart are realistic things such as distance, time, age, attraction. Still, there was a bright shooting star tonight and it is nice sometimes to hope like a child once more.

Hey there, lonely girl

By Miss Interpretation

Every once in a while my boss will throw out statements to me such as “Go on…get outta here! Go on a date or something.” or “You’re dressed up. Where are you going?” Because my boss is a kind hearted man I know his statements are completely well intentioned. However, in a fleeting moment it does make me wonder…does he think I am bored, lonely or have no social life? And question, why can’t a girl dress up just to celebrate her femininity? Can I stay home on a Friday night securely with absolutely no plans? YES!

Well, ladies I am happy that my life is anything but boring, lonely or lacking social activities. In fact, it’s absolutely rich and full. I am grateful for the life God has given me; filled with loving relationships with my church, friends and family. It is full of cherished and wondrous travel experiences. It is full of moments of utter hilarity and adventure with friends. It is full of times of being stretched out of my comfort zone. I am so appreciative of all these times. I am indebted to all the amazing people God has placed in my path that make life on earth one big playground!

What Goes?

By Miss Adventure

I've been away from this blog now for over a month. I haven't been on some grand adventure (or misadventure as my name would lead you to believe), I have simply been to busy to be creative and thoughtful. It is the unfortunate nature of the area for those of us living in Southern California (or so I've been told). We fill our plates so full we don't have time to do what needs to be done. I have that problem. Although, it will be lessened some this month because I finished one of my classes last week that I have been taking. Working a full-time job, being a student working on another credential and masters, doing fieldwork for that credential, keeping up with my other ministry obligations, AND trying to maintain a healthy spiritual, family, and social life can be trying. Amen?

So, if something has to go, what should it be? Often I am made to feel that the first thing to go should be the social life. I would argue that as a single person though, a social life is extremely important. I have heard people talk about how selfish single people can be, they should be doing more, etc. The expectations often seem to be that if you are single, you should be the one to work more, volunteer more, etc. In fact, I've seen many friends that will take up the slack because they want their co-workers to be able to be with their families. Not that there is anything wrong with this and not that singles should not make sure they are pulling their weight in these areas. But really, should I be penalized or treated differently because I have not been blessed with a spouse or children?

It dawned on me one day when I heard someone talking about single people and how selfish they think they are, that there is a valid reason we as singles need to keep a strong social life and that is because often our friends become our family when our family is too busy with their own families. I know my family would be there for me if I really needed them, and I know they care about me, but let's face it - their obligation is to their spouses and their children first. That is as it should be. Also, we don't always live in close proximity to our families.

There are things that just seem to be a little harder when you are single (now, this is not to say our lives are harder than those not single - it's not a contest of who has the harder life. There are just different difficulties with each). I realized this when I was thinking about how hard it is to take my car in to get it serviced. When I lived with my parents, it seemed this was trivial - someone in the family home would go with the person and drive the other car. If a car was needed - usually there was more than one person with a car that could switch it out. If I want to take my car in it all gets a little more complicated or expensive if I have to rent a car. Of course, I think being a teacher makes this a little harder too because work hours are not flexible. Sure, they have a shuttle to take me to work, but it would get me there 10 minutes late - not a good option for a teacher. All this to say that I am especially grateful that I have a very positive relationship with my non-relative roommate/friend who was willing to help me out or switch cars. Of course, I also have wonderful parents who are willing to go out of their way to help me in this situation too - simply put, I am blessed to have such a helpful family. Not all singles are that blessed to have such positive familial relationships. Thus, friends become even more important.

Honestly, too, if I want to get married, I must be meeting people - hence a healthy social life. I have certainly discovered it's true that it seems to be harder the older you get to meet someone as well. Of course, a good way to meet someone - friendly or romantically - is by doing something you enjoy - volunteering, etc. So, it is good for single people to be out there volunteering and helping out when help is needed. Still, I think for myself, these are all reasons that I do guard my social time.

Besides, the Bible is very careful about saying how important relationships are to build and maintain. My pastor continually reminds us of this passage in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10:

⁹Two are better than one, because they have a good [more satisfying] reward for their labor;

¹⁰For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!

Of course, he frequently uses this in reference to joining a small group, with which I completely agree. That's part of the reason why my time with my small group - whether it is for spiritual reasons or social reasons - is so important. They become family too.

So, in the end, how do I manage it all? I really don't know. Something does have to be cut out eventually, but that must be an individual choice about which you pray - not something you are guilted into (or out of), not what others think, but what you believe is best for your life goals and the direction in which you believe the Lord is leading.

Playing Games

By Miss Adventure

I have to say that when it comes to dating, life can be confusing. There is so much information and advice out there - plenty that is unsolicited too! Everyone has their own philosophy and they believe it is the right philosophy. Think about how many books are out there on this subject! If you don't do it this way, then you won't get a date...or he won't call you back...or you'll scare him off. Make sure you play hard to get so he'll be interested and you don't look desperate. Always let the guy approach you because that's the way it's meant to be, but then you hear how guys like girls that are confident and knows what she wants. Also, I've had discussions with guys that say how hard it is to ask a girl out, guys have insecurities too, don't be too hard on them, etc.

So, I am doing the internet dating thing because as we discussed earlier, where else do you find men? Since the internet seems to be just about the only place I get dates, I have stuck to that. This is the second time now, though, where a guy has asked if we could get together on that day - he has not given me much notice. Both have prefaced it with they know it's last minute, etc. Now, most of the advice I have heard is to say no, otherwise you'll look too easy or desperate. But, let's face it, most of us who live in the OC have busy lives. For me, a lot of times when I've tried to schedule dates with guys it can be hard to find a good day that works with both of our schedules. So, if I happen to be available for a last minute meeting, I feel like the only reason I'm saying no is because of other people's advice on the "rules". I feel like I'm lying and playing a game - a game of manipulation. I am not a manipulative person, I like to play by my own rules because it's what makes sense to me and is true to myself. Part of that is I can be fairly spontaneous. I'm more often a last minute person in making plans.

This brings me to question, how much do I stay true to who I am and expect a guy to accept me that way (and if he doesn't, believe that he is not the right person for me)? Or, how much do I play by the "rules" so that I can bait and hook a guy so he can then get to know the real me? Now, I would never think it's right to be totally insincere or untrue to yourself, but some of this is like going to an interview. You have to be aware of first impressions and how they affect people.

All this leads me to one conclusion...dating can be awfully confusing!

You Can't Make This Kind of Thing Up

By Miss Demeanor

I told Miss Adventure that since my last two posts have talked about some of the challenges of singlehood, I’d make sure my next post was about the joys of singlehood. There are many, to be sure. In fact, one of my closest friends is really struggling in her marriage, and I truthfully told her that having been on both sides (adult married and adult single) without kids, I have no doubt that being single is easier. It’s not easy, nor is it perfect, but it is easier in most ways.

Anyway, in another post I’ll elaborate on the many joys of singlehood, because this is just too great to keep under wraps :) I hope that it makes you laugh, because it made me laugh.

I was over at my best girl’s house and she was showing me some of her eHarmony matches. One of her eHarmony date stories brought to mind a similar story that I had when I tried eHarmony for 6 months several years ago, so I committed to recalling the details from 3+ years ago. Luckily, my email provides unlimited storage, so I really can find nearly anything. When I resurrected this email, I had to share it. This is the text (name changed to protect the guilty) of the email I sent to a girlfriend right after this event occurred in early 2006:

Okay, lest you think I was exaggerating about fanny pack / sucrose boy.... He used to have a profile called "Adam" (his name) and it's still in my 'closed' file on eHarmony. Here is the picture that was posted there. As I have shared with you, I didn't think he was fine, but I felt like he was remotely attractive based on his picture (nice eyes, pretty smile, etc.).

Of course, as you well know, he didn't look anything like that when I met him for dinner. Next, I received this email earlier this week:

Hi Miss Demeanor,
it seems that eHarmony has matched our profiles again,
leading to a very interesting story to tell and some
thanks I have to offer for something you started back
in August. The first week I was in LA I had a date
lined up with you, courtesy of advance planning
through eHarmony. After things didn't work out I
decided to take a minute to think about what happened,
what I could have done differently, etc. My basic
conclusion was that I was boring, a stiff. You were
fun, outgoing, expressive, telling jokes and generally
being the life of the party whereas I had all the
personality and charm of your average rock. I didn't
move to LA to be my same old boring scientist self so
I immediately began to think about what to do
differently. This line of thinking in combination with
being brand new in town resulted in an explosion, a
transformation into a new person. I bought an exotic
sports car, hotter than a Ferrari and of course it's
red. Next I talked to the prettiest female friend I
have and asked her to help me develop some expressive
LA style. During several shopping trips to Melrose,
Beverly Hills and Santa Monica we totally overhauled
my wardrobe, out with the monocolor boring stuff and
in with red dress shirts, purple and multicolor design
ones, shiny gold and silver satin shirts, etc. Perhaps
most importantly I have become much more expressive in
my personality, I got into the performing arts in a
big way and am composing and playing music regularly,
with a pre-deal for my first CD release this fall. I
have also gotten into film and television, founded my
own production company and got really well hooked up
with the American Film Institute and other groups. In
general I am also much more smooth and confident in
demeanor, not as tentative and uncertain as I was in
the first weeks of being here. After having
overhauled things inside and out I began going out to
bars and clubs regularly and meeting with great
success. After a while of that I decided to try
eHarmony again, to look for something more substantial
and longer term. Imagine my surprise when your name,
face and profile showed up as a match. When I saw it I
had to stop and think, to realize that you started me
on the path of self-analysis, leading through
transformation and resulting in improvement. This
being the case I want to say thanks very much, things
are so much better for me now and you were the spark
that lit the fire.

Best regards,
Adam

p.s. my new profile is listed as "newname". I have changed
my look since last we met and you can see this in the
updated pics

(end email)

In case you care, I didn't contact him again. He's probably married while I'm blogging on Confessions of a Thirty-Something Single Woman ;-)

The Woman I Should Be

By Miss Demeanor

Last week, I had a great discussion with a single professional woman who is a friend of mine. I shared my decision to leave my job, and she understands my rationale. I know she’s been visiting and working from other locations over the last year, but I didn’t realize why. She admitted to me that for the last few years, she’s been desiring a healthy, Godly relationship. And she had essentially concluded that her present small town (despite being close to her family, having a great church, and living in a beautiful home) wasn’t going to cut it. Long story short, she reconnected with an old flame recently (very unexpectedly) at a baseball game and, even though the relationship is new and she doesn’t know how it’s going to turn out, she has stopped looking to relocate. Her admission reinforced what I wrote in my previous post: romantic relationships aren’t the “answer” to life’s problems, but we sure will make different life decisions when we find one that has promise!

Part of our discussion also brought to mind an epiphany I had ~5 years ago: I surmised that it’s difficult to be a professional woman AND a good wife. I wasn’t a Christian then, I just remember thinking that a husband really wants to be respected by his wife, and he doesn’t want her to question his judgment. As a professional woman, for 10 hours each weekday I need to earn respect from my colleagues in order to do my job well and climb that corporate ladder. Some of the same skills that make me successful in the office are the skills that make me less successful in a marriage: being assertive, freely speaking my mind, being decisive, offering suggestions to colleagues on addressing challenges, and acting in a way that commands respect. I struggled to be that woman at work, and then switch to a more feminine, responsive, submissive woman at home. I ended up being the assertive leader all the time, to the detriment of my marriage. My hunch is that even though I’d be more aware, I might still struggle with that if I was in a relationship today.

Several years ago, I went out on three dates with a man I nicknamed “The Interrogator.” He earned that moniker on our second date. First date was great: dinner at a nice restaurant, just the two of us, great conversation. Second date started out well, too: casual dinner with his brother and sister-in-law before an Angels game. The problem was, every time the guy on the mound threw a pitch to the batter, The Interrogator lobbed a question at me. Not casual questions that enabled us to have a friendly dialogue, or questions that flowed naturally from a conversation. Rather, he interrogated me with pointed questions like “How many children do you want” and other questions that I can no longer recall. He must have created his list of questions before our date and memorized them. It was awkward, to say the least. I’ve forgotten most of his questions by now, but there is one that haunts me. He asked me if I had considered the changes I’d need to make in my life to be in a relationship. The tone suggested “committed, long-term” relationship, and I recall that I was already annoyed about being grilled. I told him that when I met a man who was worthy of such a relationship, I would address those sorts of issues.

At the time, I felt smug about my response. Looking back, that was probably the most legitimate and insightful question he asked all night. At the time, I was working long hours and traveling a lot, making a name for myself at my company. I enjoyed the travel, because I was able to visit friends all over the place and turn work meetings into weekend getaways. When The Interrogator inquired about the changes I would need to make, I was firmly in the camp that I would work hard until I got into a relationship, and then I would slow down. I thought only the work hours and travel might interfere with a relationship. Today, I’m ashamed of my naïveté, because those two issues are just the tip of the iceberg! I realize now that I do need to start making changes in my life before I meet a good man. Just like a wonderful pastor lovingly advised me years after my interrogation when I was on a mission trip in Latin America.

So today, as a single woman, I am striving to be the woman outside of work that I should be whether I am in a relationship or not. I’m grateful that God’s grace is sufficient and that His mercies are new every morning, because being true to myself as I learn to be decisive & effective at work while being feminine & sensitive at home is no easy task!

Reflections on Another Birthday

By Miss Adventure

Another year of my life has passed by. Overall, this last year has been a good year. Within the last year have been some significant changes such as buying my first piece of property - my adorable condo in a location I love - and getting a dog - a three year old German Shepherd mix rescued from doom at the LA County Shelter. I have to say that I have felt considerably blessed this last year. My house is small, but near the great outdoors (well, as out-of-doors as you can get in Orange County).

There are some perks to being single - that's for sure. I fell in love with my place and bought it all in a month's time - no on else to consider. I pounded the pavement looking for the right furniture and decor for my house - and didn't have to compromise with anyone. I get my whole closet to myself (and there still doesn't seem to be enough room). I did it exactly as I wanted it. I have to say that I love the way it turned out, too. Of course, there are times when I thought, it sure would be nice to have someone else's opinion...or it would be nice to have a man take care of this...or I wish I had someone to...

The reality is that I did have other people to run things by. I certainly had help - my parents came over and helped a lot! A few friends helped out too from time to time. I did have a man to take care of things - my dad and my brothers. I couldn't ask for a better roommate. This has all made for a very smooth transition.

So, along came my birthday last weekend and thirty-something single women probably aren't supposed to look forward to their birthdays since they know time is ticking (especially that biological clock shoved in the corner of their minds). I must say that I was looking forward to my birthday weekend. It started Friday night with a girls trip to the Angels game, which they won and had GREAT fireworks afterward (I LOVE fireworks) and then a little shopping trip afterward in the Angels store - they were having a 30% discount night for AAA members - happy birthday to me!

Saturday was pretty low key, and then Sunday was a celebration all day long. Brunch with my parents at Five Crowns (in my beautiful purple dress I finally wore out) topped off by eating some of their Creme Brulee and my Chocolate Truffle Tart. Then, off to this historic house sitting on a Laguna cliff overlooking the Pacific where we laid out at the beach until dinner time. Dinner with the small group at the Royal Hawaiian, topped off with a Raspberry Chocolate Mousse cake (which really did put me over the top) to celebrate not just my birthday but also the birthdays of two other September girlfriends in our small group.

Another part to my day was all the nice text messages, phone calls, and Facebook messages I received. It's so nice to be remembered on your birthday - definitely makes me feel guilty because I am one of the worst at remembering people's birthdays!

No, my celebrations weren't done yet! Tuesday night another good girlfriend took me to the Melting Pot for Swiss Cheese fondue and then and White Chocolate Apple Strudel fondue (and yes, my clothes are fitting a little tighter right now). I am definitely one of those girls who loves to chat and eat leisurely!

Overall, a great birthday and a big thanks to everyone who made it special.

Looking back, the moral to the story is this: Relationships are important. Family and friendships are key to feeling treasured and loved. Especially if you are single. Make sure you leave time to develop those relationships and that you work on yourself so you can be the best friend you can be to those around you. They are the most important part of your life and the part that won't let you be alone.