By Miss Fortunate
It was the best of dates. It was the worst of dates . . .
I had been trying my hand at a new free online singles site (the cheap alternative to match.com if you will) when I reeled in a winner!! His profile consisted of semi-professional photos of himself (as opposed to the ever popular topless cell phone snap shot in the bathroom mirror that seems to be the rage with most single men on these sights) where it seemed apparent that he had both an attractive figure as well as good taste in clothing. His profile opened with a quote from scripture- “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”- 1 Corinthians 13:11
Finally- a MAN!!!!
We spoke on the phone and discovered much in common, including taste in music and a strange sense of humor. It almost seemed too perfect that this man would be a part owner of a Christian film company and was interested in taking swing dance lessons. After a lengthy and most enjoyable conversation on the phone, he asked me out. Without hesitation, I agreed.
He followed up with a most amazing email, which I never read. (Strike one against me- I guess). When we connected via phone he summed up his witty and most thoughtful email with the following options for our first date:
1) Gran Placa de la Carne de sex-appeal - a four meat combo plate of baby back pork ribs, beef back ribs, brisket and tri-tip from Bad to the Bone in San Juan Capistrano ( HYPERLINK "http://www.badtothebone-bbq.com/"www.badtothebone-bbq.com ) and if after watching each other be complete slobs eating BBQ on a first meeting/date (which one is it?;-) we still want more time together we can cross over the 5 and walk around the mission and/or the galleries/shops outside the mission and if the date is going so well we just don’t want it to end we then jump on the Pacific Liner and head down to San Diego on the midnight train
2) Mini-Ball Wagers under Ordered Array of a Wave - Cheesecake Factory at the Spectrum, some opportunities to stop in shops and get to know each other’s true fashion sense as we walk down to D&B for non-competitive wagering on ability to shoot little baskets with additional playing of assorted games and then finally, based on how star-y our eyes are we can end it all with a friendly handshake or romantic kiss on top of the Ferris Wheel
3) Art, Sand, Pizza, and 7 Letter Words – We get a big Chicago Pizza Pie at BJs walk coast highway, eat on the lawn/beach as we try to get 50 bonus points that goes with creating 7 letter words on my travel Scrabble game set, afterward we walk to Rocky Mountain for chocolate and then walk up and down the street to check out the art in the shops (both the picture, sculpture and clothing variety)
4) Keep it Short and So Meaty - Shik Do Rak Korean BBQ on Jeffrey just off the 5 in Irvine
5) Keep it Simple – Cheesecake Factory at the Spectrum
Not only did this man take incredible notes during our conversation (yes, I told him of my love for music, board games, and meat- is that so wrong?) it is as if he read my heart’s mind!! Every one of these dates was a dream come true for me- the perfect romance!! (And he was witty about it too!!!!) I have to admit, it was a little overwhelming for a first meeting. So as to ease up on the pressure, I opted for pizza by the sea. We were to meet Sunday after church.
Let me preface that, Saturday I had a date with someone else I met online, Friday I had started one of the most painful and daunting of all monthly curses (which kept me from sleeping, and made my whole body ache), and on Sundays I attend a charismatic church that has no concept of time.
When Sunday morning came, I took Motrin and set my alarm, but alas, I did not hear the thing go off as Worship was too loud. I raced out of church and began driving towards Laguna with my hands fishing in my purse for my cell phone. After driving for quite a ways past my humble abode, I realized exactly where my cell-phone was- by my bed, plugged into its charger. I didn’t have much of a choice. I could try and show up 5-10 minutes late without a cell phone and hope that nothing would detain me further, that he would not think I was ditching him and take off, and that I would not need it in order to find him if he did happen to switch locations or time himself; OR, I could play it safe, head home, call him, apologize profusely, and let him know why I was now going to be closer to twenty minutes late. I opted for the safer second choice (Strike two against me- I am NEVER late for a first date, and I can’t stand it when people are- it says so much about a person and what they think of others). Luckily- he was forgiving. Laguna, however, was not.
I found myself on a one-way road behind what I thought to be a hearse for what seemed like eternity before I began my search for a parking spot- in Laguna- on a Sunday. I think I would have had better luck in finding the Arch of the Covenant. After driving circles around Laguna and anxiously waiting for a couple to finish changing their child’s diaper, I parked, paid the meter, and sprinted for the rendezvous point. I was now officially 30 minutes late for my first date with Mr. Amazing.
Oh- and the Motrin was wearing off.
We finally met up and again I apologized. He told me he enjoyed walking around shopping while waiting for me and not to worry (a man who loves to shop- really- could he be any more perfect). We ordered pizza and walked and talked. He spoke of his BC days and how he had previously pursued wealth-with success, but was now currently using his skills and talents to serve God and bless others. He also spoke his beloved dog, family, religion, politics, humor, etc. It seemed to be going really well- though it was hard for me to tell as I was distracted by my aching body, nerves (which I usually never suffer from), and the thought that I may be leaking.
He suggested chocolate while I mentioned my concern about meters. He looked at the time and said that his was actually close to expiring-
“Has it been that long?”
“Well, some of us got here before others.”
“Sorry”
He purchased me sugar-free chocolate and then began walking me to my car, always making sure to walk on the side of the sidewalk facing the street as he was raised to be a true gentlemen (and I thought they were extinct). After wondering for quite some time, I was completely confused as to where we were and more importantly, where my car was in relation to where we were. I knew the name of the street, but after strolling it for some time, had yet to see my car. Great! Strike three- I am a total and complete ditz. I suggested that we just walk to his car as his meter was about to expire and I didn’t want to be responsible for that too. On our way back- miracle of miracles- “Hey- there is my car!!! I knew it was on this street!! And there it is! . . . and it is still running . . . why is it still running?”
The answer----- because I left my keys in the ignition, of course!
Strike 400,000!! I didn’t just lock my keys in the car; I actually locked my keys in the car with it still running . . . for three hours! I used up half a tank of gas and went nowhere!!! A feat I had yet to accomplish in life. Oh, and for salt in the wound- I actually got a $40 ticket (because it is illegal to leave your car running in a parking lot)!!!
I wanted to die.
I tried to just end things then and there and say goodbye, but being a gentlemen (or gluten for punishment) he said he would get his car and return to see if he could help me out. He rolled up with a nice shiny new car, paid for the meter (again), and parked next to my old, scratched up, still running vehicle. Oh- just shoot me already.
I had to play this just right. Though I was ready to cry, if I did- how would that look? Yet, if I was to cool and calm about it, he may get the impression that this kind of thing happens to me all the time (regardless of my swearing- I have NEVER done this before)! It was a tight rope- I tried to play it down the middle and crack jokes between my admitted embarrassment.
AAA finally arrived and he bid me adu as he had a previous engagement to get too (he was picking up a friend, who had a rare and debilitating disease, from the airport because he found someone who was trying a new experimental treatment that may be the answer to his long sought after prayer- because he is that awesome).
The AAA guy was having a hard time picking the lock when it finally dawned on him to just push the button to roll down the windows so that he could reach inside and unlock the door. “It was a good thing you left your engine running- otherwise, I never would have been able to unlock your door.”
Yeah. Half a tank of gas, a forty dollar ticket, and completely destroying a first date by making a total ass out of myself in front of Mr. Right, and it was a “good thing I left my engine running”- right. Good. Yeah.
I called up my date to let him know that I was safe and sound and that (again) I was so sorry and (again) I have never done this before. He said that if the AAA guy rolled up and said “Hey Chels!” he might have had his doubts, but he felt it best to believe me. Some more witty banter ensued before I thanked him and let him go. His was very kind and said he would call me again- my attitude was one of “yeah right, sure.”, but he assured me otherwise.
I finally read the amazing email he wrote when I got home and replied with the same humor, apology, and gratefulness as expressed earlier.
I never heard from him again.
Don’t cry for me Argentina (unless it is because you are laughing so hard). It was obvious that this love affair was never meant to be. As my roommate expressed- “The Universe was conspiring against you!” Even my mom thought of it as a sign from God, as I have “never done that before”. Personally, I think of the whole experience as one of the funniest and greatest stories ever to be put in a Christmas letter…. But maybe that is just me.
